


Hollow

by Armadere



Category: Naruto
Genre: Grief, M/M, this is just me venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27954818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armadere/pseuds/Armadere
Summary: He had spent years loving him. He had messed up his only chance and now he was condemned to a life of watching him be with another and he only had himself to blame. Madara ached. His chest hurt and he felt breathless but more than anything he felt defeated, never had he been brought so low, a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield brought to his knees by love.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Senju Hashirama & Uchiha Madara, Senju Hashirama/Uchiha Madara
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	Hollow

He had spent years loving him. He had messed up his only chance and now he was condemned to a life of watching him be with another and he only had himself to blame. Madara ached. His chest hurt and he felt breathless but more than anything he felt defeated, never had he been brought so low, a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield brought to his knees by love.

They had had a chance once, when the village was forming Hashirama had looked at him, seen him, seeking his permission but Madara was too scared, to torn up over Izuna’s death and spurned him. Now he was stuck only with regrets. Everyday he went home to his empty house in the clan compound and grieved. Madara grieved for his past with Izuna, and he grieved for what could have been with Hashirama. The loneliness hurt and he feared it would never end. That he would be condemned to a life without love and warmth and worst of all he would be the cause of it. Madara blamed himself for Izuna’s death, he could have been faster, stronger saving him in the moment from Tobirama’s fatal blow, he could have gone against Izuna’s will and accepted Hashirama’s offer of healing. Sometimes he wondered if his loneliness now was Izuna’s punishment for not saving him, for failing the last of his brothers. The Senju had always had close ties with the Uzumaki and after Madara had turned Hashirama away in a moment of fear Tobirama had convinced Hashirama that the village needed him to marry, it needed him to marry Uzumaki Mito. Mito had never wronged him, she had been polite with him and was unaffected by the reputation that preceded him. Her behavior only made it worse, he wanted someone to hate, to curse for stealing Hashirama away from him, for taking his only chance of happiness away. Instead he had to endure their meetings, to pretend that every time he saw her he felt as if his heart hadn’t been ripped out of his chest.

The worst part of it all was Hashirama. His beloved Hashirama who he could never let know the depths of his feelings. It had been years of watching, waiting for someone else to make him feel alive, to make him want but it never happened. No one made him feel like Hashirama made him feel. Hashirama had been his first love, when they would spend their days leisurely by the stream skipping rocks and sparring Madara couldn’t look away. He hadn't known what the warmth Hashirama brought meant until the day Hashirama brought up another. It has struck Madara like lighting; jealousy, want, fear but most of all adoration, he wanted to be the one to make Hashirama happy. He wanted to be the one that made his eyes light up, he wanted to hold his hand, to lay next to one another knowing they would never be apart. That same day he kissed Hashirama in the soft sunlight under the banks of a willow and his affections were reciprocated. Not a week later he was forced to part, their fathers having found out about their secret rendezvous. The following years the Uchihas spent in the highlands and Madara yearned. He would stay awake late at night wondering if Hashirama had forgotten him, if he had found another, one who would be easier to love and be with. Madara tried but no one made him feel the same, no one else made his palms sweaty, his heartbeat wildly, his stomach so full of butterflies he felt he could explode. All he had was the memories of a few days, of them playing shogi by the river, of the kisses they shared, the time they spent talking of their worries and fears.

The Uchiha didn’t return to the forests of Hi no Kuni until after Tajima died and Madara became clan leader. In those years away Madara’s name spread and became feared. The clan had become weak under Tajima, the constant war along with an increasing desertion rate had left them vulnerable, their numbers much reduced. Madara and Izuna’s Mangekyō Sharingan made them feared once more, as they had been before paranoia and delusion had seized Tajjima. By the time they had returned Butsuma had died in a skirmish against the Yamanaka and Nara and Hashirama had become the Senju’s leader. In the Uchiha’s time away the Senju had allied themselves with not only the Uzumaki, their cousins to the east, but also the Inuzaka and Sarutobi. They had both become stronger and it was inevitable that upon the Uchiha’s return they would clash once more.

In their time away from Hi no Kuni Madara had always sought word of Hashirama and so heard of his growing legend and power. When they fought again for the first time in years Madara felt alive again, he didn’t realize how empty his life was without him. They fought seriously but never to kill and Madara could see in Hashirama’s eyes that he still felt as Madara did. Everything changed when Izuna died. Madara may have considered Hashirama the love of his life but Izuna was more than that, he was the last of Madara’s family, his light, his reason for living, for trying and when Izuna died a part of Madara did too. In the aftermath of Izuna’s death Madara wished to die, to join Izuna and the other brothers he had lost and make amends for failing them. Instead Hashirama defeated him. In his moment of weakness Madara conceded and let Hashirama take the lead and so Konoha was founded.

When the village was founded Hashirama approached Madara as he had when they were younger and looked to resume the relationship they had. Madara spurned him. He didn’t explain his heartbreak over Izuna or that he still loved Hashirama instead he isolated himself, throwing himself into subjecting the surrounding clans and fighting against those who would go against Konoha. The guilt over Izuna’s death was all consuming, how could he allow himself to find happiness with Hashirama when his brother lay cold in the ground. Izuna would never find love or grow old, he would never see the village that Madara and Hashirama had founded. Madara was so consumed by his grief for Izuna he couldn’t bear to be in Konoha surrounded by Uchiha and memories of Izuna and in a moment of desperation to feel alive again took on a diplomatic mission to the new village of Suna. Things were easier and Suna so he stayed weeks which turned to months until a year passed. Time passed and Hashirama grew to believe that Madara no longer felt the same way, that he could no longer stand to be around Hashirama and so he was convinced by Tobirama to marry Uzumaki Mito.

Madara returned to Konoha with a renewed sense of purpose, he had found his will to live, he believed in him and Hashirama’s dream again. Upon his arrival he immediately sought out Hashirama, ready to renew the love they had shared. It was too late Hashirama was already married. Hashirama’s marriage changed things, no longer was Madara the focus of Hashirama’s attention, between the village, Mito, and Tobirama they could go weeks without a real conversation and Madara felt hollow again. He had no one. The only time they spent together was when Madara actively sought him out, soon his pride began to bristle, why was he the only one putting in the effort, did Hashirama resent him, secretly hate him? He had to watch him and Mito together, see the joking around, see the tender moments they shared and he knew Hashirama was lost to him. But what was he to do? He had never loved anyone else like Hashirama and he knew deep within he never could love another. Sometimes he thought of telling Hashirama but the thought of destroying the frail relationship they had left stopped him. So he had to content himself with daydreams of confessing how much he adored him, of Hashiramas leaving Mito for him, of them being together. Everytime he was with Hashirama his heart ached, it burned and longed to reach out to him. Where once his feelings drove him to be more, now they made him realize how empty he was. How little he truly had and how he had lost his only chance of happiness, the feeling was all consuming. Everyday he felt as if he was drowning for his feelings never faded. It was too much, so when Zetsu found him alone without Izuna and longing for Hashirama he gave in.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a moment of unhappiness about my own relationship with someone so its not proofread or anything. Ive never really written anything else so this is new for me


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